People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.