yes… yes…
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.