My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well