I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome