you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Finally, an explanation.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Confused owl: What?!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner