It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
work smarter, not harder
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*