Unimpressed
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow