Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I had to Stop for this
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.