My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
guys I’m going home
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
He’s cranky this morning
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.