I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy