Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Seems a bit forward
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy