Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!