Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You Might Also Like
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.