Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
OH. COME. ON.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Name this drama.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.