You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!