What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out