My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone