[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Perfect.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.