the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hitlers gonna hitl
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
HOW DARE YOU
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern