Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
You Might Also Like
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
What the hell is going on?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.