A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.