Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The real reason evolution started..😂
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sooo many times…..
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics