“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.