It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
umm…
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!