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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way