The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
How dude HOW?!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday