My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
#damn
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.