If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.