That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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ACED my prostate exam!
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit