My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.