I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
your honor my client chooses dare
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad