Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.