Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
You Might Also Like
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Heroic Misunderstanding
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.