Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I thought this was funny lol
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?