If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
You have been warned.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]