[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I know
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.