I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Perfect
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.