airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
You Might Also Like
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Geez man, take it easy.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Baller is short for ballerina
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times