the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
a lot to unpack here
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!