👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
So the ex texted me
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*seductively eats two tums*