The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me refusing to leave twitter
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
and now we wait
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*