12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Lassie, get help!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
You have been warned.