I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.