Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*