Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*limbos under the caution tape
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.