If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.