axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Bruh PLEASE
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day