I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.