dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
☠️☠️☠️
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
what’s really going on
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.