Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Day 2 of my diet
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.